Nicotine, vaping, smoking, addictions. How did I kick it? Again!

Here we go again. I'll start from the beginning.

15years old in the mid-2000's immigrant family.

Everyone smoked. My mom, my stepdad, sister, aunts, cousins, friends, even my karate instructors. I knew it was bad. All the TV ads, all the lectures from my mom and teachers, the stench, the DARE program in elementary school.

But a strong argument can be made that if every adult figure in my life is doing this, it really can't be that bad can it?

No, it definitly is that bad. It certainly is a bad BAD habit.

Smoking is terrible for your health, for your longevity, for the world around you. It has a terrible affect on your life and the life of others around you.

But I still did it.

One or two cigs to be cool with the fellas at school. Quickly turned into a couple cigarettes while I was older and drinking at high school parties. Then pretty soon I was smoking by myself, no one around to see me "being cool".

The "coolness" factor quickly faded into a full blown addiction.

I remember in college, as broke as a joke, I could barely afford food, often forgoing meals and substituting instant noodles for 2 meals a day. Even then, when I had ZERO money, I kept up the addiction. The addiction always won.

Was it fueld by friends and my circle of peers? Maybe that had an effect. I wonder if I had surrounded myself with other more straight edge college kids if the addiction would have natrualy kicked itself. Perhaps out of shame?

The answer is no, because I tried that.

At 21 years old, I moved back to my parents house. Something about not being able to afford living on my own as a full time college student...

Besides only a few times being caught with cigarettes as a kid, I kept up the facade that I didn't smoke around my mom. Even while living under the house of my mother (whom was the biggest source of shame for smoking) I still managed to keep the habit up. If that didn't stop me, what could have?

Fast forward a few years. A new craze had taken over around the youthful drinking population that I associated with. Juuls. E-Cigs!

An alternative to the smelly, stinky, cancer sticks? No way.

No more comments from people asking me to step further away from a building?

No more botched first encounters with a lady from the bar claiming I smelled like an ash tray?

No more dousing myself with Axe body spray and breath minds before I got home if my mom's car was in the driveway?

No more judgemental looks from anyone in a professional setting when they could undoubtedly smell me when I walked into a room?

It was perfect!

All the negative effects of smoking were gone, lifted from my tortured soul and answered with a slightly more expensive habit. BUT, there was a downside.

I quickly and easily justified this new habit as a way of getting off the cigarettes. And frankly, I do think it is a better alternative to traditional smoking. But theres a HUGE caveat to that. A risk that's much greater and more harmful in the long run.

Little by little as I finished what was essentially the last pack of cigarettes I ever owned (who even knows what the last brand was?)

I started puffing on the vape more.

and more.

and more often. and in different settings.

and immediately when I woke up. and right before I went to sleep.

I was smoking the equivalent of 2 packs a day with these e-cigs. An elf bar that supposedly is 3-5000 puffs would only last me a day or two.

I was sucking on these stupid robot penises from sun up to sun down. Taking a dump, puffing away. Driving in the car, puffing away. If I was at work and no one was looking at me - Bam! Robot dick in my mouth.

I want to say it wasn't a problem. But it was. I was throwing away money like I had some (I didn't, still don't in fact).

As this entire journey grew there was two moments where I had to stop and really examine myself and look inward. These two moments happened last year in 2023.

Moment 1: Realization.

You know when you're about to leave the house that "pat, pat, pat" thing you do on your pockets to make sure you have everything?

"pat"-phone, "pat"-wallet "pat"-keys.

I had an extra "pat"-vape.

I was only ready to leave the house after I had my vape with me. I couldn't go anywhere without it, it was an extension of myself. And it was sad. But I gave no thought to this. Not until I woke up in a sweat in the middle of the night.

I had a nightmare about "pat,pat,pat,pat-no vape" I had a fucking nightmare about losing my vape! How is that a nightmare? Am I so enslaved to this tiny little piece of plastic that I'm woken up in a cold sweat when I don't have it? I'm embarrassed. I'm disgusted. I'm a slave and I'm addicted.

Moment 2: Shame.

This one hurt real bad.

As you know (you probably don't but anyway) I trained for a half-ironman last year. Currently training for a full ironman at the end of this year (wish me luck!). In doing so, my girlfriend is big into triathlons, she has groups she trains with. They go on runs and long bike rides, etc. These people are the epitome of athleticisim. None of them smoke or vape. Obviously.

We were at a a track with one of her groups, just about to get started running, and me an a few guys were talking about upcoming races. I just finished bragging about signing up for Ironman Arizona to a bunch of athletes when all of a sudden, while fumbling in my pockets, I dropped my vape. :(

The embarassment took me out.

I picked it up and put it back in my pocket and felt as if I was a freshly neutered cat the rest of the time I was with that group.

How could ANY of these people take me seriously as an athlete if I'm INTENTIONALLY hurting my lungs. How could they think I was on their level when I'm handicapping myself with this stupid habit.

That day I felt real shame. I felt embarassed that I was even there. The imposter syndrome within me was out on full-blast. All the accomplishments up until that point now had a huge asteric next to it*

*Brian's not serious. He vapes like he's a teenager. I'm a grown ass man! Yes, but still, with a child's habbit.

All in all, I'm writing about this because... I'm struggling. I'm able to see, with my own eyes, clear as day, that I have an addiction. A debilitating addiction that is hard to stop.

Over the last 12 months I've put in a few serious efforts to quit once and for all.

My new years resolution was to quit nicotine and it worked... for about 2 months. I don't even remember what got me back into it.

I've tried the gum 2mg and 4mg. I tried a cycle of Chantix, which I think was all a placebo that only ever upset my stomach. I've tried cold turkey. I've tried only keeping around "dead" vapes, so if I wanted to hit it my mouth and throat would burn. And here I am again.

I don't want to go through the mood-swings again.

I don't want to go through the withdrawals again. Nor the foggy memory, the lack of motivation. The increased (and endless) appetite and subsequent weight gain.

I hated every second of not vaping. But... I hate vaping more.

So here we go again. My NEW (new, new, new) quit date is Oct. 1st.

As of October first, I don't vape. Don't smoke. Don't have any nictone addiction. Never did, never have. Just gonna suck it up and forget about it.

Fuck nicotine.

BB2024